on starting the new year.

Pastor David always rings in the new year with his word for the year. usually his words are really good. the ones that are like "man i want THAT word!" some of my words in the past have been intentional and discipline...words that still need to be shared in the #1 spot each year. this year is different than any other. my word isn't fancy, or intelligent, or super long, or unpronouncable (well that was a long one wasn't it?).

return.

do you know how many times return is used in the Bible? a whole lot. i know...so scientific. its used in all sorts of ways. in reference to men returning home from battle, the Israelites returning to God, sinners returning to the one who redeemed them. this is not what i mean by return.

when i think of return, i think of being a child. Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so...and nothing else matters. then life hit. the pain. the exhaustion. the reality. the testing of my faith. things that, as a child, i was oblivious to.

"But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and all your soul. When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the Lord your God and obey him. For the Lord your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your ancestors, which he confirmed to them by oath."

Deuteronomy 4:29-31

there are things that He revealed to me in previous years that i have yet to fully obey him in. things that i let life get in the way of. so, the new year will start the year of return. returning to a child like faith. returning to the goals God has for my life. returning to Him first and foremost.

what is your word?

glass slippers, william wallace, and love.

when i was a little girl, i thought that Cinderella had it all. i mean, minus the evil stepmother and stepsisters part. she went to the ball, dressed in the most beautiful white and blue sparkling gown, and those shoes! oh my goodness, the shoes made the outfit! she might not have left that night with prince charming, but man did he search for her....by foot, none the less! thats the life!

BAM! please enter reality.

be strong. be confident. be independent. don't let a man get ahead of you at work. prove that you are better than a man. make your voice heard, your name spoken. and most importantly, do not sacrifice getting ahead for love.

there it is. the dream crusher. all the words we (women) are told. everything we grew up knowing, smashed into tiny little pieces. so here we sit, between a rock....and....a hard place.

then enters "man."

he's nice, and cute, and funny (he better be funny!). but, he can't commit, he's aloof, and my goodness is he confusing. one minute your friends...with the slight bit of more hidden in there somewhere, the next minute its "hey, whats your name again?" and to be honest, its not his fault. sure, we blame the "men", but someone had to raise him! he didn't just end up that way for a reason.

Jacob longed for Rachel. he pursued her...even after his sketchy soon to be father in law pawned his "weak eyed" oldest daughter on him, Jacob still went after Rachel. 14 years before Jacob was able to have Rachel! 14 years people! Jesus, born of a virgin, sent from heaven, comes after me daily. He pursues me. 26 years to be exact.

i refuse to believe there is anything less for me than a man who pursues me.

i was once asked "but Tiffany, don't you think your standards are a little high?" to which i quickly replied, "absolutely not." by no means to i believe that i'm going to be dressed in a beautiful dress, drop a slipper, and prince charming will come running to find me. nor do i believe that he will work for my father for 14 years to have me. times have changed.

William Wallace fought for not only his freedom, but his love. if you don't know who Wallace is, please ask the nearest male...i'm sure they'd be delighted to answer for you. if men step up to be like William Wallace, or Jacob, or more importantly, Jesus, we (women) wouldn't have to "wear the pants." now, this isn't the blame game. we need to stop being so independent. sure! thats what the world tells us, but aren't we to be in the world, not of it?

so ladies, put the pants back in the closet, take out your prettiest dress...and rock some killer shoes. men, be who you say you'll be. and most importantly, everyone follow Jesus. He is the only example to live by.



PSA: parents, start raising up Jacob's and Williams's. and NEVER let your little girls settle for anything less than what God has for them. you do that, and there won't be a shortage of good men and women in the world.

unwrapping the littlest treasures.

today was a great teaching day. there are days where i just want to bury my head in the sand and not come up for air, but today was not one of those days.

today started the most important part of the Nativity Story...how Jesus was born. sometimes the kids in my class zone out during Bible story time, i try to keep it fun and exciting, but sometimes it just doesn't work. today was unlike any other. i told the story of how Jesus was born in a stable. how because he was born a beautiful bright star shone in the sky. how Jesus was born where the animals lived....and slept in the hay.

i have never seen wider, sparkling eyes than when i was telling that story. then i read a book called The Stable Where Jesus was Born. every inflection of my voice caused them to move closer and closer. at the end of the book, one little girl chimes in "i really like that book we read! it is the same as what we were learning about baby Jesus!"

and in that one sentence, my day was perfect. it didn't matter what happened the rest of the day or what even happened before that. what mattered is, the unbelievable truth of "Jesus loves you" sinking into the precious ears of 9 3 year olds.

there's no telling when God will pop up and show you a glimpse of Himself. but when He does, man is it something to treasure.


linking up with Emily at Chatting at the Sky! you should unwrap your Tuesday with us!

Mayhave Monday

i know. the day is almost over. but i MAY or may not have had an anxiety filled dream last night. the holidays are quickly approaching (well, they're already here) and with all that comes rush hour traffic, busy stores, and swollen feet.

i had a dream that it was Christmas Eve. this was unlike any other Christmas Eve because i had forgotten to buy gifts for EVERYONE (minus mom) in my family! talk about a panic attack. then, my car somehow was not in this dream and my dad had to drive me to the only open store, CVS. who can find gifts in CVS worth giving anyways? not to mention my dad was sooo mad that i hadn't finished shopping.

then, i woke up. cold sweat. 

above all the gifts and anxiety that comes from trying to find the perfect gift for everyone on your list, is a peace. i try to imagine what that night in the stable was like. was it busy, like every birth scene you've seen in the movies? or was it slow, soft, quiet...the opposite of busy?

my favorite Christmas song is from Audrey Assad and Chris Tomlin called Winter Snow. it quickly takes me to the way Jesus came into this world. He could have come in lightning or in a big tidal wave. He could have come in a huge strong storm.

but He didn't.

He came in the most quiet, humble way. unique to Jesus.

needed.

i know a lot of moms. being a preschool teacher will do that to ya. each day is the same. a child darts through my doorway, leaving mom in the dust. the activities of the day, lunch, and naptime, then its time. the moms reconvene in front of my classroom. kids now dart out the door, leaving me in the dust.

i look at moms. i see the weariness in their eyes. i see a few of their hairs out of place. i hear the exhaustion in their voice. they are needed. they have one, or two, or many little humans dependent on them. to feed them. change them. bathe them. hug them. love them. there is a return to that though. even though there is weariness, i choose to believe that when a child says "you're the best mommy ever" it makes the weariness go away.

how many times, being an adult, do i forget to be dependent on Christ? my goodness. i wish the amount were smaller than it is. i'm so busy running around, darting out and leaving Him in the dust.

but how precious are those times when we do turn to Jesus. when we depend on Him the way we would our mom. to curl up in his lap and just say "you're the best. ever." have you told Him today?

last link up with Write It, Girl! :) 

tough.

life is tough, rough even. things don't go the way you planned. your life doesn't end up the way your 16 year old self pictured it. you think you're not good enough. surely that has to be why things are so bad. you're not smart enough, pretty enough, good enough...the list really could go on and on.

i could tell story upon story of heartbreak that sent me spiraling into the pit of "not good enough." the unfortunate thing is no one in my teen years, my most influenced time, shared the beauty of this verse:

Romans 8:1-4

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you FREE in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

did you read that? i know i'm not alone in the not good enoughs. you, yes you, reading this blog, have probably felt not good enough. well, i am here to tell you that YOU ARE SET FREE! you are good enough. don't worry about the kitchen, it might not clean itself, but you are still phenomenal if its not clean. don't worry about that C you got on a test, you are still smart even if that was your best. and for goodness sakes, you are still beautiful even if "the man of your dreams" doesn't think so. truth be told, he isn't the man of your dreams. but more on that another day.

we are not condemned. life is tough. rough even. but if there is one thing i know, its that God sent his son to take on all the shame, guilt, and not good enoughs you could even think of. we are set free. so stand up, put on some music, and dance! your chains are GONE!

2 Corinthians 4:8-9

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.

i'm writing with a group of fabulous women! check it out, and join in!

a toe out.

still inching out of the bathroom. for what its worth, i do like the pastel pink walls. reminds me of my grandma's tanish yellow and brown checkered tile bathroom floor. the pink hand towels with lace on the bottom and vintage pictures hanging on the wall. and that ever present bathroom scale....that can't possibly be right.

when i think of changing the world, i usually think of people like Martin Luther King Jr. or Ghandi or Mother Theresa...Jesus. those people changed. the. world. you can look in any history book and find them named. you can look online and find hundreds of thousands of articles, websites, and blogs dedicated to living life in their footsteps. while all are good, only one of those choices is right. true. love.

changing the world can come in the form of the familiar. the train whistle that my grandpa always used to do to "trick" us into thinking it was actually a train. or the way my grandma makes THE BEST pecan pie ever. or the way my mom can rub my arm, no matter how old i am, and i go back to childhood instantly. or the way my dad embarrasses the living daylights out of me and swears its in "the dad handbook" somewhere (whoever wrote that...well....they got that rule wrong).

but in all those familiar things, is love. while my dad may be extremely good at embarrassing me, he does it to see me smile and laugh. that's love (even though i hate it sometimes). Jesus loved, so they loved, and changed my world. Jesus loves, so i love, and that can change someone else's world.

isn't that easy? just love. out of the overflow. love the mess out of people. will you realize you're changing the world? maybe. but goodness, even if you don't realize it, it will be beautiful to hear "well done, my good and faithful servant."

1 Corinthians 13:13

So now, faith, hope and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

i'm linking up for Write It, Girl every monday in November! feel free to join the fun!

i'll be ok.

"if God wants singleness for my life, then i'll be ok. i have to trust His plan is better."

something a fellow SWEET RoLL said after our weekly giggle fest/dessert feast/digestion of scripture Kay Arthur style. i don't know why, but it has stuck with me all week long. i can't shake her words. its a truth that hit me straight to the core.

i've always been secretly afraid (or maybe not so secretly) that God would call me to singleness. and while i know that God give us the desires of our hearts, part of me says "if i want it bad enough, He will give it to me." and i also know, that this thinking is not exactly Biblical. i understand in my head the benefits of being single...one of them being the fact that i would have no time to be attached. i mean, in theory it sounds nice, comfortable, and easy, but my life is just to crazy. doing things God called me to do right here and now are too important.

i wish i could say i was at the complete trust stage. the one where i completely trust that His plan is better. i wish i were there, but i'm not. i can only cling to the promises made in scripture. 

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:8-9

"For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great His steadfast love toward those who fear Him." 

Psalm 103:11

so here's to trusting His plan is better. better yet, here's to believing and knowing that His plan is better than anything i could ever imagine.

opening the bathroom door

hiding in the bathroom, after reading how to change the world,  seems the safest place to be. change alone can be terrifying, but changing the world? that seems like a daunting task. sometimes i feel like God can't possibly be calling me across the world. there is fear that arises in every fiber of my being. they paralyze me.

what will people say?

what will people think?

how will i make it that long?

how long do i stay?

aren't these questions all questions of fear? my goodness! snap it together!

2 Timothy 1:6-8

For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the Gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For the Spirit of God does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self discipline. So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me, His prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the Gospel, by the power of God.

if thats not reason enough, here's another one...

Psalms 139:5

You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.

its as if God is saying, "go ahead, go! whats to lose? i have it here in my hands. so go!" He commands it too! and here i am, hiding in the bathroom? so, here's to opening the door. opening the door to possibility, changing the world, and more importantly, obedience. obedience to the One who knows my sitting and lying, my thoughts and words out of my mouth. why wouldn't i open the door with that kind of assurance?

journey into the unknown.

ever since i was a little girl, no joke, i've wanted to be a "worker." it was my dream. the stories of lives lived in total surrender to God, the things God did through imperfect people, and the far off-ness of it all intrigued me. i know now that He was preparing my heart for something that was so beyond myself.

i love to think about living in another country, for the sole reason of spreading the Good News. doesn't it intrigue you? to live in a completely different place, away from the norms of American life, heart abandoned to living only for the glory of God.

here comes the game i play. knowing all this, presents a problem in my controlled, self centered, safe life. "but God, i own a house." Trust Me. "but, i have a really good stable job." Trust Me. "but God, what will everyone think?" Trust Me.

over and over again, i throw excuses His way. He created my heart. He knows it breaks every time i think of my students. He knows how i long to not live here in this safe life anymore. He also slaps His hand to His forehead every time i give him a "but God...."

i'm learning (have been for quite some time) that trusting Him is the greatest factor of life. i have to trust He has not only just me in His mighty hands, but the WHOLE WORLD as well. i have to trust that He can see my future. most of all, i must trust, that He will never leave me to figure it out on my own.

Mayhave Tuesday

since its not monday, and there have been a serious amount non blog posting days, here is some truth for your Tuesday!

i may or may not have cried yesterday. well, lets be honest here, its been a heart wrenching couple of days. not in the "oh what boy broke her heart?" kind of heart wrenching. in the "dadgummit! i just don't get it God!" kind of way. and if i'm being extremely honest, i've been tempted to run from it. run from seeking His face. run from acknowledging that me trusting is the big issue here, not God.

you see, a boat load of friends left last week for various mission trips. Panama, Jamaica, and China are the ones on the list. while my heart lies in only one of those countries (really, we should know by now which one), i can't help but long to be on a trip to any country....besides this one.

i'm just realizing that even though i would really like to be with my Asian students from last summer, laughing about awkward moments and silly dance moves, God has taught me so much this summer. its not over (yet), but i think i have learned more about His character than anything else.

my sweet rolls.....(because i've never formally introduced them...here's a picture!)

thats them! anyways, the sweet rolls did a study with all the women of the church called Experiencing God. despite the very realistic Moses on the front of the book, the thickness between covers, and hardcore homework, i have learned much more than expected. see, its not one of those studies you just do half heartedly. its the one that you devote your whole soul to in those 30-60 minutes.

a few posts before, i talked about not knowing why God wanted me here this summer. i still can't see the full picture, and might never be able to, but i do know more about my God.

He is magnificent. He is compassionate. He is all knowing. He is merciful. He is big. He is able to do exceedingly more than i could ever hope or dream. when i so desire to DO, all He wants me to do is sit with Him. He holds my feeble little heart, when a relationship falls into utter chaos. He is there, was there, and always will be there. He knew i would be sitting on my bed, surrounded in tissues, because obedience was hard. 

and for those that still don't get it.....

this time last year.

this time last year....

i was here. Hong Kong.

met these beautiful ladies.

trained for what was ahead. and climbed to the edge of a cliff. (seriously, nothing but water and sharp rocks behind us)

to embark on a month long adventure.

needless to say, my life changed last summer. since meeting those ladies, i haven't been the same. there is a good portion of my heart that is reserved for them. we shed tears together, laughed together, shared sweet times of worship to our Lord, and loved on some Asian children that saw a love like no other.

little did i know that this time last year, i would come out the other side with a heart completely changed. this year i changed. this year God changed me. i wouldn't trade it for anything.

change.

its hard to believe, that four years ago, i had just started getting involved with the student ministry. life was so different then. easy.

i had just obtained a group of high school girls (the best ever!) to pour into. i had just gotten back from my first trip to Asia. i had a different friend group, that was surface level, most of the time. it was just easy. nothing hard about life.

times have changed. i have a different friend group, that sends me way deep into my relationship with Christ. although i do still have the same group of high school girls, that ends in a few months when they scatter to different colleges across the state and country. i am not going to Asia this summer, which i'm learning slowly why God chose that for me.

times change. people change. God never changes.

Do not be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of Heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

James 1:16-17

sometimes i get so caught up in change. i get sucked into its unknown features. i constantly grasp for control of my life, that is seemingly losing control. but my goodness! my Lord does not change. His hands are big enough to pick me up when i fall and can't pull myself up. His arms are big enough to comfort me when when my heart is shattered. He is powerful, and mighty, and graceful, and so many other things that i don't even have enough space to fill with the words.

i pray that the words from Brooke Fraser's song ring true in my life.

when the world is falling out, from under me, i'll be found in You, still standing. every fear and accusation under my feet, when time and space are through, i'll be found in you.

i want to be found in the Lord. no where else. surrender isn't giving up. surrender is acknowledging that God had control all along and releasing your hand from it. my God does not change. He loves endlessly. change is good because He is good.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38

the hands of grace.

grace comes in spurts. well, more like, i realize the evidence of grace in spurts.

grace are the tears after a difficult decision. the constant reminder that He is faithful, even when you don't see the end. when you think "thats it! i'm done!" its the nudging that tells you there is always something more and better.

grace is the uncontrollable laughter when you haven't belly laughed in a long time.  its being in company that will laugh with you, not at you. its being the bearer of such a laugh, that spurs on more laughter. most importantly, its realizing your love for those people (ahem, SR's) and the unique way God designed them to be.

grace helps you when you least expect it. its what holds us together. grace helps us when we want to control things, and can't see the end.

it comes in so many forms, too numerable to count. its the sweet hug of a 3 year old. or the rising sun. or the blue jay that continues to perch itself on my back porch.

there is joy in the everyday. all because of grace.

favorites.

because favorite things are happy, and i love happy things, here it goes!

don't hate. you know you love him too. who wouldn't, really?

i don't miss an episode. i really hope Ralph Macchio (because i love the Karate Kid) or Chelsea Kane (because i want to be her friend) win!

afternoons with these kids! walks home from school, swimming, wii, listening to the Biebs....the list goes on and on really. so much fun!

days where this is the start. 

snapshots of grace.

words aren't needed for this post (except to tell you words aren't needed!:))

2 Corinthians 12:9

"And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

sweet rolls.

i have been extremely blessed to be a part of the best small group ever.

i had always worked wednesday nights at the church. with working everyday but friday and sunday, i began to feel the need for community in my life. corporate worship just wasn't enough community anymore.

i have never been a part of a group of ladies who uplift each other like these do. they have been there for me and laughed with me and cried with me. there have been few moments since entering this group where i didn't think about these girls. Proverbs 27:17 is so true.

Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:17

its so neat how God works. throughout our time together, there has been situation after situation of "i've totally been there before, here is how God worked it out." its as if God were sitting right there, holding a coffee mug, enjoying the encouragement and conversation as much as we do. 

every week, i count the days until we meet again. i am so glad God put these women in my life. i wholeheartedly believe they lead me more to the cross every day and challenge me to die to self. i am so incredibly thankful to learn about the sweet heart of Jesus with these ladies.

so, sweet rolls, this is for you! love you all so so much! 

1 Corinthians 1:4-9

I thank my God always concerning you for the grace of God which was given you in Christ Jesus, that in everything you were enriched in Him, in all speech and all knowledge, even as the testimony concerning Christ was confirmed in you, so that you are not lacking in any gift, awaiting eagerly the revelation of our Lord Jesus Christ, who will also confirm you to the end blameless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His Son, our Lord Jesus Christ.

obedience.

if you know me, you know that my heart should be shaped in the form of China. i have been there a total of 3 times, and each time i go, i fall a little more in love with it.

i can still remember the seamstress i met during my first trip. i can remember sitting next to a fountain with some new friends watching a water/lazer show during my second trip. and i will never forget, as long as i live, the students who's lives forever changed me last summer.

i had planned on returning to Asia this summer to teach again. i committed, had my letter written out, but had a feeling in the pit of my stomach for weeks. i kept telling myself "tiffany, get over it. you're going, there's no backing out now." the fact is, i could never shake the feeling.

i turned to the only person i know to turn to, God. after weeks of praying, i feel He led me to say no. i kept arguing, "but God, I ALREADY COMMITTED!" but, i picked up the phone, called the organization, and told them the news.

a weight was lifted.

i don't know the end result of this. i don't know why God has me staying here this summer. i wish with everything i have that i could see my students again. i love them and think about them daily. all i know is obedience was more important than my wants and desires. i can't explain to you why. all i know, is that God is good and sovereign. i have to trust He knows what He's doing.

obedience is hard. but knowing i obeyed, reminds me God is in control.

Mayhave Monday

my dear sweet friend Emily does these posts called "Mayhave Monday". they are usually filled with a serious or funny truth. i love Emily, and you should too! here is this week's mayhave monday!

i may or may not have experienced THE PERFECT wedding this weekend. my dear dear Rachel married the most perfect man for her this weekend. the wedding was so sweet and completely God honoring. Rachel and i are a lot alike. laughter explodes out of us at any given moment, and once we start, its so hard to stop us. Nick is quiet, but from what i know about him, Truth is the focus of every conversation.

from the start of their relationship, i have been blessed to see God shine through it. whenever my day comes, i hope to have accomplished a God honoring relationship like theirs.

i've realized what a marriage is. i've learned that its a demonstration of Christ's love for the church. its not something to be taken advantage of or to be entered into flippantly. marriage is a serious covenant between one man and one woman, for the rest of their lives. it requires death to self daily, just as we as Christians are required to die to self daily for Christ. everything about marriage is a picture of Christ and the church.

marriage is self sacrificing, unconditional loving, and grace giving. by no means is marriage perfect, but God is, and when relying on Him fully, marriage is sweet.

my favorite part of the wedding was when Rachel read this verse:

Ruth 1:16-17

"...Where you go, I will go, and where you stay, I will stay. Your people will be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me."

i know that this verse is Ruth talking to Naomi, but what a beautiful picture of what a marriage should look like! i pray that God blesses me with a man of God, who never waivers in his faith, who leads and upholds me, and most of all, helps me look more like Christ every day.

above all else, i pray that i will be the kind of wife that is always there, supporting, encouraging, and helping him be the man God created him to be. i seriously, cannot wait.

sweet grace.

grace. the sweet unmerited favor of God.

most of the time it is hard to understand. do i really deserve grace? nope. actually you (we) deserve nothing. but isn't that was so sweet about grace? its undeserved. its love in its truest form.

grace is forgiving, when you don't feel like it. grace is loving, when they're unlovable. grace is giving all of yourself, despite what others might think. grace goes against EVERYTHING the world tells us.

i am reminded of that old hymn Marvelous Grace. the chorus is "grace, grace. God's grace. grace that can pardon and cleanse, within. grace, grace, God's grace. grace that is greater than all our sin."

as i think of grace, i can't help but think of love. it was explained this way "grace is the arm that extends the gifts of the ordinary, and the same arm that holds you tight when you hear the [bad] news." i love that. i love that in our brokenness, grace is extended. i love that in our ordinary days, grace is given. God loves us so unfathomably much, that he covers us with grace. we suck, and He is perfect. the two do not go together. but BECAUSE he loves us, we are a perfect match.

i need grace. desperately. i need the promises seen in Lamentations 3. i need it as much as i need breath. i love that my sweet Jesus loves me despite myself.

hallelujah for grace.

Hallelujah by Bethany Dillon

Who can hold the stars

And my weary heart?

Who can see everything?

I've fallen so hard

Sometimes I feel so far

But not beyond your reach

I could climb a mountain

Swim the ocean

Or do anything

But it's when you hold me

That I start unfolding

And all I can say is

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Whatever's in front of me

Help me to sing hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Whatever's in front of me

I'll choose to sing hallelujah

The same sun that

Rises over castles

And welcomes the day

Spills over buildings

Into the streets

Where orphans play

And only you can see the good

In broken things

You took my heart of stone

And you made it home

And set this prisoner free

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Whatever's in front of me

Help me to sing hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Whatever's in front of me

I'll choose to sing hallelujah 

two B's.

two B's: Bible and Bethany Dillon

ever felt like you had the right to throw a tantrum? i did. last night actually. things around me were spinning out of control and i just wanted them to stop. so, although i was not actually kicking and screaming on the floor like a child, i chose to write out my feelings.

i chose to blog. i wrote until my little heart's content, published it. had my best friend (who was just engaged!) read it. then took it down.

after many shed tears, a headache, and "returning to the garden," i felt much better. i felt like, after 25 years of singleness, it was my right to throw a tantrum. valentine's day (until i have a guy to call mine) is such a dumb holiday to me. sure all about the love and who you love, but a lot of times, for singles like me, its just another day where we are acutely aware of our state of alone-ness. and i loathe it (if you couldn't tell).

last night i handed Satan my battered heart and all he did was wring it out like a dishtowel. i know my Savior and i know He loves me, but time and time again i hand my heart over to the wrong person. not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. i came to the fork in the road and said, "you know what God, i think Satan will have a better handle on this." now, i didn't intentionally say that to God, but my actions reflected it.

God has provided for me in the past, why can't i just trust Him with this provision? why can't i just surrender (my word for the year)? i may be broken and battered, but my Savior still loves me...even when i act like a child. not only that, but he put amazing women in my life to speak truth into my life, and i am so grateful.

i will leave this post with a song from Bethany Dillon. it really spoke to me this morning on the ride to work. my favorite line is when she says "you took my heart of stone, you made it whole, set this prisoner free, HALLELUJAH!"

crazy girl say what?

i may or may not be in love.

loaded statement, right? i know, you may or may not believe me. so, for all you nonbelievers out there, here is the list.

1. i may or may not be in LOVE with the bachelor. what i love about it is the desperation of these poor girls. for instance, the past two seasons there has been a "crazy Michelle." same name and everything...and both, equally crazy. i just think about how they are all "looking for love" with a man THEY MAY OR MAY NOT ACTUALLY KNOW. just to think that if they had that love with the Father...they would be satisfied. hmm...but i do love a good drama!

2. i may be in love with some new girls in my life. i love spending every wednesday with the Sweet RoLLS. you have no idea how much i enjoy hearing what these girls have to say. and oh, how i've needed that in my life.

3. i may or may not be LOVING my ACTS class. besides being able to spend time with the girls mentioned above, this study is blowing me away! seriously, i am so glad the Father designed me the way he did. to be delicate and treasured. what an awesome truth to live in.

4. i may or may not have recorded Enchanted during the super bowl. i left a party early just to come watch it. hey! i don't care who gets to go to Disney Land....as long as i get to see McDreamy and his beautiful blue eyes, i'll be good to go!

if you're wondering why i do this, please visit my sweet friend Emily's blog. she may or may not be one of the funniest people i know. not only that, but she brings sweet tea every week and i LOVE sweet tea!

embarrassment.

this is Ellen. she was by far the quietest student in my whole class....by whole class, i mean all 8 students. she wore the same yellow jacket everyday to school and rarely spoke.

my favorite thing about Ellen was that she was literally bff with Tom. every day, they sat next to each other. if i was lucky, i would catch them whispering to each other.

one day, after i had noticed them hanging out for quite some time, i asked if they were dating. WRONG QUESTION. she nearly fell out of her chair laughing. between the laughter and sweet giggles from the other students, i figured what i had asked, was embarrassing to her. as i was turning all shades of red, she was as well. i laughed, she did as well. that is one moment i will never forget. lesson learned.

Ellen was a spectacular artist. this beauty was drawn on the board when i arrived for afternoon activities. she must have not gone home from the morning session.

she also drew me a picture of a Chinese girl dressed in traditional garb. i cherish that picture, its in my journal.

behind all her quiet smiles and silent giggles was a sweet girl. i miss Ellen.

happy wishes.

i may or may not have cried a lot when thinking about this post. i knew the day would come when i would have to share everything about this specific student of mine. i may or may not have spent the entire weekend looking at pictures from this summer, recounting all that the Father has done. and what did i get? a lot of tear soaked tissues, along with smiles and huge laughter. i cannot help but thank the sweet precious Father for this past summer. here is why:

this is Nancy. i've probably talked about her quite a bit already. i instantly bonded with Nancy. we had a lot in common. her father was sick with heart problems, mine had been also. her dad worries too much, so does mine. as i read her first journal entry, i cried because it made me think of my dad. anyways, Nancy was the real deal student.

in my eyes, she could do no wrong. ask anyone. she was definitely my favorite. i absolutely adored her heart, and could tell, if i were allowed to share, she would be a Sister. i just know it deep in my heart.

Nancy always came to class prepared, and was desk mates with Danielle. whenever i spoke, they laughed...a lot. i loved walking towards the two of them because they would be talking, as soon as i got to their desk, they were staring straight up at me with huge smiles on their faces. it was, of course, to mask their confusion on the topic at hand.

one day, Nancy stopped me after class. it was probably towards the end of the second week of school. we were about to start wrapping things up, when she uttered the words "i have to leave my dorm and go home." in the words of Miley Cyrus "sweet chinese girl say what?!" i was so confused. i didn't know what that meant or where she was going or if i would ever see her again. see, in China, they are famous for picking the most inopportune time to start construction on things. it could be the middle of the night and they start building a building, or in my case, the middle of summer camp they tear down a dorm where kids are currently staying.  never underestimate Asia.

so Nancy had to leave to go home. she handed me a purple bag with a box in it and i tried to convince her to come back for class next week, the last week of camp. gave her a hug, and on she went. i didn't actually know if she would come back, i hoped, but i didn't know for sure.

i got to our "office" and opened the bag. you see, earlier that week i had seen a couple of students forming stars out of paper and tiny plastic straws. i had absolutely NO idea what they were doing with them, and assumed it was a new fad that had hit the area of LongDe. as i opened the box, in a Winnie the Pooh jar, was a jar FULL of tiny stars. inside the jar, on top, was an origami star that read "best wishes" on the outside.

what i had not realized was that the stars were for me. they made every star and put a wish with it. on the right hand of my dresser, you can see a small jar. it is filled to the brim with those sweet stars. every time i see the stars i am reminded of sweet Nancy.

as we walked back to our "hotel" my eyes filled with tears. i had just received the most precious physical gift in my entire life, and who knew if i would even see the child again.

i think the Father heard my cries, and brought Nancy back to class the next week, the final week of camp.  upon her return, Nancy had written me a letter. this letter contained some of the sweetest words ever spoken to me. even thinking about it now makes me cry (i told you, i may or may not have used TONS of tissues). in this letter she told me of how she told her dad she really wanted to come back to camp. he found a way for her to stay with her best friend until camp was over so she could come. hooray! Nancy was back! she continued on in the letter about how my smile made her happy and that when i hugged her the day she gave me the gift, it was the first hug she had ever received (tear hitting mouse pad as we speak). how can one girl go 16 years without ever receiving a hug? its mind boggling to me!

that day, i learned something. the Father's love transcends cultures. a simple smile can make someones entire day a million times better. i also learned that a hug can mean more to a person than we realize. so why don't we do it more often?

i learned how to show love that day. i learned that there is nothing better than a good cry. i also learned that i serve a HUGE and magnificent Father that is calling Nancy unto Himself. oh to sit at His feet with Nancy. i believe that day will come. and what a joyous day it will certainly be!

great love.

this is Danielle. the first time i met her, i honestly was confused. it was the first day of school and i wrote a ton of names on the board for all of the students to choose from. among those names was the name Daniel. yes, notice its a male name. on the board i had written two columns. one girl column and one boy column. Daniel was for sure in the boy column. and the funny thing was, i didn't even write Danielle in the other column.

so here i was, stuck, with a girl who had a boy name. talk about dilemma! i had to gently tell her to choose a different name. she of course, did not understand what i meant. so i just started calling her Danielle....eventually it caught on and everyone stopped calling her Daniel and called her Danielle.

also during the first couple of classes, we were to distinguish who our "class monitor" would be. Danielle displayed all the qualities...well only two really. she listened and did what i asked. pretty simple for me. she also was dominant and knew her stuff. so clearly, she was the right answer.

whether she showed it or not, she LOVED being the class monitor. she was to unlock the classroom door before i got there and to lock it after we left. she was to be my right hand girl. in this picture you can see her holding our amazing class flag. we were called Blue Sea and our mascot was the Panda...or the Pander as my students said it.

Danielle was not only a hoot, she was a sweet girl. she was roommates with two other girls in the camp, one of which was in my class as well. you will learn about Nancy later. she laughed at everything i said. she even tried her hardest to speak English correctly, but every time she messed up, she died laughing.

Danielle loved our afternoon activities. she was always first in line and loved every minute of them. this particular picture was taken when they were playing a type of kickball. she was always happy and that was the best part about her. she had no shame. whenever she failed to be perfect, it was always done with a smile or laugh.

on the last day Danielle looked me in the eyes and said "I will miss you so much." unfortunately Danielle didn't have an email, so i have not talked to her since the last day. i think about Danielle all the time. i wish i knew how she was doing. i guess that's when i have to trust that the Father has her in His hands. He is so good at that, i just know He loves her more than she even knows or realizes.

too cool for school

meet Tom. the kid that seemingly hated coming to my class. you know, that type that just thinks he is too cool to follow. yeah, that was him.

at first, Tom irritated me. i will be completely honest. he rarely showed the first few weeks, and when he did, he was late. many of our students lived at least  30 minutes away from the school, so the first few times i was sympathetic. when it became a routine, i caught on, and made sure he knew that i noticed he was coming late.

my favorite thing about Tom was his love of basketball. the kid wanted to play all the time. he actually came in multiple times, basketball in hand, ready for a quick game of hoops after class. as athletic as Tom was, he refused to do the activity with Miss Mary Beth halfway through class. he would mysteriously disappear from line. all the kids covered for him, saying he was in the "washroom"...which may or may not have been true.

there were quite a few afternoons where we played UNO. my class absolutely adored this game. this was the normal expression on Tom's face. what i came to realize later was that he secretly loved UNO.

my favorite part about playing UNO with Tom was making him speak in english. he would always revert to chinese, which was not allowed in this game (kind of funny since UNO is actually a spanish word). every time i would say to him "SPEAK ENGLISH" he would giggle and speak in english. everyone laughed, and we moved on.

Tom was, and still is very smart. he hid his intelligence. he was better at english than he thought, which is sad. sometimes i think about Tom and hope that i made a difference. every time he spoke aloud, he was so good, and i hope that the love from the Father radiated through encouraging words.

there was one moment where i knew that i had left a mark on Tom. the day before closing ceremony, we practiced "graduation" from camp. we did a mock graduation and had them walk across stage and do the whole bit. with tears streaming down my face, after most of the class had walked across the stage, it was time for Tom to shake my hand and walk. we were encouraged to not hug our male students, simply for the fact of being above reproach. this day, i was surprised.

as Tom walked up those steps, i saw tears in his eyes. i stuck my hand out to shake it, and he put both arms out for a hug. it was a moment i will never forget. as he walked away, i was stunned. i couldn't believe that the Father had used me. i was so humbled and grateful for that moment. as we left the building, a glorious photo session ensued. the picture above was captured from me trying to get Tom to smile. i ended up cracking up, which isn't too far from reality, which made him laugh hysterically.

as my team and i left the school on the last day, we all had tears in our eyes. i will always remember Tom and his craziness. he taught me how to look beneath the surface and dig deep.

i will leave you with the funniest story about Tom. to me, it makes me smile ear to ear and laugh very loud. after returning to the USA, i set up a qq, which is the asian equivalent of skype or aim. i contacted all my students and started corresponding with them. Tom emailed me one day, and of course the entire email was in chinese, but i could tell there was a video...so i pressed play. what happened before my eyes, was a 3 minute long video of Tom doing nothing. he was sitting in front of a computer, doing absolutely nothing. i didn't respond, but the hilarity of it all made me miss LongDe. sometimes you just need a reminder of where you've been and how you've grown. that was a reminder that i needed, and at the perfect time.

freedom.

two of my friends, Jane and Kayla, are revisiting their classes from this summer. they are doing so by giving an in depth look at each student. since i think this is a great idea, i am stealing the idea. so, stay tuned to see and learn about my students and ways they touched my heart.

meet Rebecca. when i first met her, she was sitting in the front row of the classroom. she had 2 girls that she confided in, and you could tell they were thick as thieves. 

the first day of class, i realized there was no way i was going to be able to learn every chinese name, so i had them pick out American names. i wrote all of my friend's names on the board, male and female, and she picked Rebecca. she had no idea that she had picked my best friend's name. what i didn't know is that they had a lot in common.

she sat in the front row and wore her glasses everyday, well almost. whenever she forgot her glasses she would squint so hard when looking at the board. she was always so excited to be in class, and was usually the first one in her seat.

my favorite thing about Rebecca was what she wrote in her journal one day. every day for homework, they would have one or two journal questions to answer and turn in. this gave me a chance to get to know them better and for them to practice their written english. i loved going back to my room and sitting on my bed reading these. it was one of the best parts of each day. it gave me something to lift up to the Father and i loved every minute of it.

this particular day, the journal question was "if you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?" her answer? 

"I would live in America, because I think America advocates freedom. This is different from Asia"

my heart dropped. this 15 year old girl, who knew nothing outside of her own life, knew that there was a freedom in America like no other. that day, i knew she had more to offer than just squinting at the board.

Rebecca often didn't like doing our afternoon activities. she did them, but giggled the whole time. this is true to all of Asia, they love to giggle.

one particular day, we had walked to school in the afternoon, and it looked like rain. but, we planned our outdoor activities anyways. while we were waiting for our students to arrive, the sky opened up. this was an amazing sight, especially since it was sunny with white puffy clouds. it not only produced rain, but hail as well! 

so here we are, stuck. luckily for our team, we had card games. this quickly became my class' favorite thing to do. their personal favorite was UNO. Rebecca was skilled at uno. she not only understood all the rules, she took it as her personal job to smoke everyone who played the game. she made sure everyone knew she was winning, and of course, giggled while doing it.

Rebecca taught me how to laugh when things don't go as planned. she was my reminder from the Father, that its ok to not know what's going on, just laugh and do as asked and the result is so much more exciting than worrying. standing on the steps outside the school, saying our final goodbyes, with tears in her eyes she quickly hugged me and stood back. i am so thankful i met her.