reflection

this time last week...i had planned to unwrap my Tuesday. but that's not what went down.

last week, at this time exactly, my mom had sent me and my sister a text saying

"come to the hospital now"

when you get a text like that from a parent...it can seriously shake you to the core. my dad's health isn't the best, so i was just imagining the worst. after calling my boss to be relieved in my classroom....i made it to the hospital...all snotty nose and bloodshot eyes. as i walked through the metal detector, as the security guard looked at me like i was crazy, i sopped them up and held myself together...only to lose it not 3 minutes later when talking to my mom, and seeing my dad on the bed in the ER.

my friends are seriously the best. i know i brag about them from time to time on here, but when you have gifts from God like that....you need to acknowledge how thankful you are. i had friends texting and calling me all day long. one sweet friend, not knowing any of my family, came and sat with us in the hospital. a few of the student staff came....since my parents volunteer in the student ministry...to pray and be with us.

though things were scary, i know their prayers sustained my family and i. its a week later, my dad is now out of the hospital, recovering. God is good....isn't He?!

what you don't know about this story, is that God had prepared me that morning for what would happen. i have been reading Jesus Today by Sarah Young in the mornings to get me going. That particular day was all about trusting God. the last few sentences read:

"refuse to obsess about your problems, and how you are going to fix them. instead, affirm your trust in Me; wait hopefully in My Presence, and watch to see what I will do."

then i followed up by reading Micah 7:7 which reads "Therefore, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me."

before i even knew what would happen last Tuesday, He did. as i reflect on last Tuesday and today, i am thankful for God's Word. i am so thankful that He is continuously showing me His extreme goodness and faithfulness. that no matter what you're going through, He is prepared for it, even if you aren't. and He hears you, when you call. can i get an amen?

chaos

i am a teacher....of 10 two year old bundles of joy (and energy :)). my day usually consists of things like:

"please don't run in the class!!"

"we have to be nice and share with our friends."

"that toy is just pretend food....not real...please don't stick it in your mouth!"

really....i could go on for days. i really have a good class, but with this many, a lot of reminders have to be said....typical preschool.

nap time is treasured. i generally plan for the next day and get things ready. then i head to my favorite blogs and read up....soak in the words of Jesus. the words seem to soak into me like i'm a sponge. i read two things today, in particular, that touched my soul...deep down.

"I am eager to be your Refuge, and I am with you at all times." -Jesus Today by Sarah Young

and

"We have a God who can be trusted with not only our baggage, but ourselves. He sees and cares and notices. He will not come undone. He remains un-overwhelmable." -Emily Freeman

there are times in the middle of my mess, that i forget He is with me. i forget i am not alone. i forget that He sees those children running, and not sharing, and putting toys in their mouths, and is with me when i start to feel overwhelmed by it all.

in the midst of all that, i forget that He has given me a class that (for the most part) is obedient, and respects my authority, and LOVES to talk about Jesus. and to think that He wants to be my refuge, He cares, and He will never come undone...even when i do...that is my saving grace. such a beautiful reminder today...in the midst of my busy day....He's got this.



I'm linking up over at Emily Freeman's blog for Tuesday's Unwrapped! Won't you join?! (click the image to go to Emily's blog)

the rock and hard place.

a few days ago i could have raved to you about where God has me currently. don't get me wrong, i can still rave about it! God has me in a ministry that i believe in and see Him working in and through. there is never a doubt in my mind whether i'm in the right place or not...i know i am. He has so richly blessed me with a group of friends that never cease to amaze me every time i'm with them.

thats all well and good. actually...its better than that...but for argument's sake, there is a but....

i'm leaving.

BOO. HISS.

i meet all these absolutely fabulous and wonderful people months before i head into a far away land. i fall into a ministry that i LOVE. how is this fair?

if there is one thing i know to be true about God, its that He always knows the plan. i also know that if i have to sacrifice what i want in order for people to hear about Jesus, thats what i have to do. for no other reason, than the simple fact, that He loved me that much, and i will spend every day trying to love Him that much.

other than me being a little (a lot) sad about leaving my new found friends, i am so aware of how much of a vital role they play in this venture God has me on. there is such a great reward in having family and friends supporting you while on the field. even though they aren't literally standing next to you, they are still standing with you. not only on the field...but in every day life its important too. i would dare say its vital. you can't do it alone. i believe the Christian life was not meant to be done alone...certain aspects of it, yes, but a good portion of it calls for you to be in fellowship with believers and in accountability.

vital.

so here i sit, between the rock and a hard place. i so ache to be overseas (rock), ministering as God has gifted me. to be immersed in a culture that i am deeply passionate about. talking with people who have never heard the name of Jesus. there is a huge part of my heart that is here now though (hard place). i don't want to leave. i just want to minister here and worship freely. i want to be with friends that make me cry from laughing so hard, to open the scripture with, and just tell about my junk days.

i'm kind of getting squished. how much of an encouragement it will be when i'm gone though, hearing of all God's work here...man. so so blessed.

thank goodness i still have some time left!

31 days of looking back.

Emily Freeman is doing a series called 31 days to hush. i LOVE when she does these series in October each year. i look forward to it. she encourages us, her readers, to join in on the fun. granted, i missed day 1...i am doing this. 

i titled it 31 Days of Looking Back because i think it is essential for every believer, to look back and see all the good things God has done in our lives.

as i look back, there are countless things that come to mind. with all my impending travels, one specific memory that comes to mind.

Nancy.

i don't know if you've been reading here for awhile, but you can find the post about her linked. i am still amazed at how God was SO in the middle of our time together. in hugs, smiles, laughter....it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. that summer is so vivid in my mind, i doubt anything will dull it.

i am a firm believer that God puts us where we are for very specific reasons. i learned so much that summer. i learned what admiration looks like. i learned that i make God seem smaller in my head than He actually is. i learned that i am so incredibly blessed to live where i do.

live in a FREE country. worshipping my Savior FREELY. next time you think of complaining, stop yourself. because you have NO idea how much freedom you have until you've lived where there is no such thing as freedom...in the non spiritual sense of the word.

looking back on this particular memory, God gave so freely. His love, His grace, His mercy. so many times during that trip i was amazed...and looking back i am still amazed.

God is always good.

never fails.

last wednesday was a junky day....personally speaking. i spent the latter part of the day/evening curled up under the covers weeping. too much? hey...i'm just being honest.

i wasn't able to see a really good friend who had come in town...and lets face it...to me a quality time person...thats what set it off. on top of that, i had allowed myself to be on speaking terms with the Devil and his lying self....bad idea. just sent me spiraling into a pit of sadness that God literally yanked me out of. in my weakness He is strong...right? right!

as the night progressed, i started to pray. i prayed hard..."dear Lord, save me from this pit!" just as i did that,  God reminded me of a few specific people i had been praying for, so i prayed for them amidst my cries for help. wouldn't you know it...i started to feel lighter. my prayers for those people, turned into rejoicing for those people. and not just for them...for who God created them to be and what He was doing in their lives.

after that prayer, i let one know that i was lifting them up. the Sweets had learned that it was important to let people know when you're praying for them, so i thought it was a good idea. i was almost instantly messaged back with a "how did you know?" type answer. God. is. awesome.

there i found myself, out of the pit, looking down and saying to the Devil "oh YEAH? NOW WHAT???" ok...a little dramatic...but you catch my drift.

God literally said "oh no you're not!" and pulled me straight up out of that pit. one small prayer turned it all around. not only did He do that, but He has continually showed me the past few days, just how much i matter to Him. it came through the sweet thought of a 3 year old "but where's miss tiffy?" it came through verse after verse, like Psalm 61:2, 1 Corinthians 2:9, and 2 Kings 20:5. it was also in the sweet screech of a 2 year old exclaiming "you're back!" and the rush of 3 little ones clinging to my legs like i had been gone a century.

God is good. always. even in the pit. i have been overwhelmed by His goodness. i am so undeserving, yet He still loves me. just like the song says, "your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me."

even in your pit, whatever it may be, God loves you. He wants to rescue you. all you have to do is reach out your hand and grab His. don't worry...He can handle your weight.

the BIG reveal

it should come as no surprise to most of you when i lay this piece of information in your lap....or force it into your face. at least i didn't casually mention it as a prayer request....like i did to my friend Reid (sorry!!). i'm full blown telling you. this is just how its going to be.

i'm moving.

Asia is no doubt where my heart has longed for quite some time now. God has continually shown me how He wants me to be there. whether its Pastor David mentioning Asia in a sermon or God showing me in Philippians how no matter the cost, people will know Jesus....He has been relentless in showing me His path.

i was disobedient for a long time. i chose to let the things of this world get in my way....distract me. all i know, is that when God has a specific plan....even in your disobedience...He will make it known. once i acknowledged that His ways are higher than mine, and better, He flung doors wide open. not only have they been flung open, but they have stayed open.

i am so excited for where God has me, and where God is taking me. there is such peace being in the center of His Will. don't get me wrong, some (most) days i think to myself "tiffany...you are OUT. OF. YOUR. MIND." but then i come to my senses and realize "no! this is His plan! the one He is going to carry out until completion!" its like i'm bipolar...i'm not though...i promise.

God has continually eased every fear i've had since making this decision to be obedient. i have been asked questions, that have only been asked in protection of me, but they don't even make my heart skip a beat...or make me any type of nervous. ever since i was a little girl, i've known this was my calling....its all i've ever wanted to be. to tell people about Jesus? could there be a better job? i doubt it.

so, there you have it. i'm moving...to another country! not tomorrow...but in 7 or 8 months...which to me is an eternity away, but if God's brought me this far...He surely won't leave me now. please pray for me. that i continue to seek God's will and direction. still a lot of steps...to get there...but i rest on the Truth in Philippians 1:6

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Christ Jesus."

not a dry eye.

i love my job. i really do. i love the people i work with and the kids i teach. seriously, i just love it. i may not get my way all the time...but really...who does? and who really wants to?

we start back next week and i am excited to have some of the cutest little 2 year olds on the planet! this past week has been inservice...training, meetings, and getting prepared for the year! each morning we were led in worship. now...i don't know about you...but this can get awkward sometimes. not everyone wants to sing or knows the words to the songs...stuff like that. each day this happened....but today was very special.

we were led into the song How Great is our God. just the name alone can bring tears to anyone's eyes. before we sang, we were asked to stop and take a deep breath. then we were asked to reflect on our week...year...whatever...because we all have baggage in our lives. we were asked to reflect....on God's goodness.

as we took some time to silently reflect...the sniffles started...then the soft crying. when we started singing....everyone couldn't help but praise the Father. there is just something about reflecting on all the junk that has happened, that makes God's goodness be so tangible.

because He IS good. ALL the time.

if there's one thing i've learned through studying Philippians with my Sweets, its that trials will come, BUT God is still good. my favorite verse out of the passage this week was Philippians 1:27a which reads:

"Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the Gospel of Christ."

what a challenge! that no matter what...no matter what junk is in your life....give praise to the God of heaven. no matter what....make His name known. no matter what...remember that God is good. 

close your eyes. reflect on His goodness while listening to How Great is our God.

sticks and stones.

i don't know about you, but that saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is awful. words hurt. almost as bad as a stick being slapped to your arm or being pegged in the head with a stone....those things have never happened to me, but words, words have happened to me.

this isn't one of those blog posts that calls for a "woe is me" pity party. it is exactly the opposite. while words can be painful and just down right mean, there are words that are a balm to your soul. words that pierce your heart and overwhelm you with joy and love. words that instantly bring tears to your eyes because of what they mean.

my sweet Sweet Rolls are doing a study in Philippians right now. man...we are only in the first chapter, but Paul's love for the church in Philippi is just drippy sweet.

"It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since i have you in my heart and, whether i am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. God can testify how i long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus."

Philippians 1:7-8

it immediately makes me think of those people God has put in my life that i long to see. not because we are far from each other, but because we share in the same gift of grace and mercy. and how about this one...

"the Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love, he will exult over you with loud singing."

Zephaniah 3:17

take a moment. your day will continue, but take at least a moment, open your Bible, and let the healing words of Scripture usher you into the sweet presence of the Lord. 

God's perfect will.

have you ever been so completely in the midst of God's will that there is no escaping its reality?

no? let me tell you about it.

i am here to tell you, that its unlike anything you've ever experienced. its like God has gone "hey...look what i'm doing over here!" to everyone you know....except He didn't. still don't get it? ok...let me get into detail.

i have this big, enormous, HUGE calling on my life. not to get into too much detail quite yet, but if you read my blog consistently, you know what this calling is (if you've ever even remotely talked to me...you also know). anyways, this is not a new fact...its rather old. try 5 years old to be exact.

when you're not in God's will...He knows it...and won't let it go. not because He's like your mom nagging you to clean your room when your 14...but because of His extreme love for you. He loves us too much to let us fail...and by fail, i really mean be far from Him. so He constantly draws us. when He calls you to do something, just like a father, He expects you to do it....and when you don't...well, there's consequences.

this was true for me. i was far from God. i still loved Him with my entire being, but i wasn't walking right next to Him....i was quite a few paces behind. so this thing, this calling, kept coming back up. memories, thoughts of the future, an eagerness to return, an endless cycle. so, i ran to the Word. i didn't walk...i ran. straight for the Word, accountability and prayer. after vamping up those three things, God took (and is still taking) me on the best ride of my life.

sermon after sermon, conversation after conversation, quiet time after quiet time, the theme was all the same. the question "what are you sacrificing" came up time and time again. God is constantly teaching me things about His calling on my life that i never knew. and truth be told, i love it. its comforting to know, that God, in all His glorious majesty, cares enough to teach me things.

you want to be in God's will? read scripture....it is His will for your life in plain letters. you want to be close to Him? pray...its talking straight to Him. you want to be more disciplined? find accountability partners...it will change your world. once you do that, hang on....you're in for the ride of your life.

monumental speeds.

sometimes (ok...most of the time) i don't like change. doesn't matter if its good or bad...i just love to have routine! either way...thats not how God works. to be a follower of Christ, you have to constantly change. your way of thinking, your way of loving, your way of life. 

i'm going through Kelly Minter's study on Nehemiah with my Sweet Rolls. i love them and the study...and who knew Nehemiah was so awesome?? anyways, Kelly mentions in her very first video of the study that she had an uneasiness in her heart. no matter how many things she had, or how good life was going, there was still an ache in her heart. she goes on to talk about how God put one thing on Nehemiah's heart to do...and asks us what God put on our hearts to do.

WOAH.

ok. that ache...that discontentment that she talks about...i totally had. when she said that, it was as if a light bulb had gone off in my brain. "Tiffany...thats you!" 

in the midst of things going ok...not well...but not so bad that i would complain, i still had this uneasy feeling. through a series of messages, and lots and lots of prayer, God had revealed to me that i hadn't really been sacrificing much for Him. after examining all (and i do mean all!) areas of life...i had discovered, that he was right (big shocker...right?).

i'm still in the process of figuring all these things out. but i feel as if He is pulling me in such a speed that my hair is blowing back and i'm holding on to the only thing i know...and thats God. things are awesome. God is awesome...always will be. i know, that no matter what happens, or where He takes me...i'm safe in His oh-so-strong arms.

so, what has God put on your heart to do? what are you sacrificing for Him?

creation and dave barnes.

i've been trying to write this post all week. i didn't really know where to start or how to. creation is one of those topics that strikes up debate...and for this confrontation fearing girl, that is not something i enjoy. but for what its worth, creation needs to be talked about.

have you ever read Genesis? i'm not talking recalling the old stories you heard as a kid...i'm talking about really really really reading it. taking it for what it is...in all its glory and majesty. well, recently, in discipleship, a few of us have started reading it....again. it has literally torn me to pieces. i've tried to think of ways to describe God in all His glory....but there are no words.

for the sake of you finding this out on your own, i will not recite my favorite parts of Genesis. i will tell you that it completely blows my mind that we (i most of all) don't trust God to handle my life when He has His hands in and on all creation. not just our tiny beating hearts, but the lion's roar, the tsunami's great wave, the quiet rain, the sun and moon....the list goes on and on.

dave barnes wrote a song called "your love will never change". i currently have it on repeat. there is something in this song that conveys the beauty of creation. not only creation of the universe, but the creation of grace and love. God didn't just "make" us...He created us. special. delicate.

so please, listen to this song. listen and worship. let the tears flow freely because the blood flowed freely for you.

turtles.

have you ever watched one of those discovery channel documentaries on animals? oh my. i think i could live the rest of my life watching those! they capture God's beautifully crafted masterpiece so well! i can hardly breathe when watching it...such splendor.

ok...but really. have you? have you REALLY watched it? i'm talking about the jaw dropped, tears flowing, eyes bulging kind of watching. well...(as previously mentioned) i love to watch. i was watching one this evening on the Loggerhead Turtle...aka Sea Turtle.

did you know that a Loggerhead distinctly remembers the exact beach it was born on? did you also know that they swim for 70 kilometers before reaching their safety raft of seaweed? did you know that they latch onto the seaweed to travel across the Atlantic Ocean? these things i mostly knew after watching Finding Nemo...but thats besides the point.

as i sat on the couch, in my pjs, feeling very insignificant, it was as if God spoke directly into my ear and said "you. are. loved."

i'm no turtle. i'm not even a good swimmer. but i am created by God. in His image. a lot of the time i'm not even a good image bearer of Christ. so what makes me so special?

nothing.


thats just it. He loves me (and you), not for who we are...but for who He is. not because we are holy, or a good swimmer, or a great anything, but because He is God...and we are His children.

Romans 5:8
But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.


there's not much more to say than that. amen and amen.

dreaming big.

at the (in)RL meetup, we watched a video about God sized dreams. you know...the ones that you have no part in other than sitting passenger seat along for the ride. well, at the end of that video we were asked to share (out loud) our God sized dreams. my sweet friend Emily went first. she shared her God sized dream that we all, in unison, verbally agreed would happen one day. then after she was done speaking...there were....

crickets.

i glanced around the room...when i noticed her looking at me. you see...there have been many a night/afternoon/morning where i have stood at Stacey's kitchen counter going on and on about my God sized dream. so she knew it...and wanted me to share it.

Katie, when sharing her God sized dream, started out by talking about how we don't want to say it out loud. if you voice that dream, and it doesn't happen...what have you become? a failure. which is so true! if you voice it, it has to happen. right?

i know you're wondering...so...did you voice it??

yes.

even thinking about it now makes me cringe....just a little. i want it to come true. i desperately do. but i'm scared. scared that it won't. and why? for goodness sakes, its already been planned out by God...so why be scared? (i'm working on learning to trust and let go of my control...can't you tell)

so. here it is. in all its glory. my God sized dream....should not come as a shock to most of you.

i want to teach in Asia. i want to influence young Asian minds to be Christ minded. to change the course of history in a country that is impoverished and oppressed. God in me. it will happen. it has to.

so, what are your God sized dreams?? please do share! don't be afraid!

the ugly cry.

i first heard her blog, read, as she had written it. it was a video for the (in)RL through (in)courage. her words pierced my heart and i instantly bust into the ugly cry. you know what kind i'm talking about...the one where all you can do is sob until you have no breath. its ugly. its real. its truth.

i have thought those words for the better half of my single life. i've asked all the same questions.

• why won't anyone pick me?
• am i doing something wrong?
• why did God give her a husband and not me?
• why will God answer all my other prayers, but not this one?

these are questions that i ask almost daily. i am not knocking single life. i do realize that other things would suffer as a result of me being in a relationship. i wouldn't have freedom to do the things i do now. i get it. and if i hear one more person tell me "Jesus is your boyfriend" not only will i scream, i will send a very generous eye roll your way.

i understand. i get that Jesus is there. not only do i get it, i believe it! i believe with all my heart, soul, and mind that He is there. in my sorrow, in my doubt...with me through it all. just because being single stinks...a lot of the time...doesn't mean i don't believe He's any less present.

God didn't call Christians to an easy life. this is not easy. this is tough. but, i'm learning. there is joy in singleness. there is grace in singleness. there is freedom in singleness. not because of being single, but because there is a God who is bigger than all of it. who sees me, who has been there, and who is there...always.  

thoughts on motherhood: from a single girl

i come in contact with moms almost daily. whether its through teaching or babysitting or even just walking down the aisle at Target, i see moms everywhere. they all have that same look. the one thats worn out, fed up, and down right tired. here are some tips...from an outsider...and a single girl nonetheless.

~it is ok if your house is dirty. when moms ask me to babysit, after i say yes, they usually follow up their question, by stating " you'll have to excuse the mess." while i completely understand you think your house is messy because you haven't vacuumed or there are toys scattered in the living room, your mess has purpose. think about it! it shows life. it shows vibrant life that has way more energy than 3 adults put together. so really, i don't mind your mess. mess gives me hope.

~please do not apologize for talking my ear off. as a preschool teacher, i understand the need for adult conversation. most days i feel like i talk to children better than i talk to adults. so you talking my ear off is just an excuse for me to enjoy conversation that didn't include someone whining about getting hit, or someone tattle taleing, or for goodness sakes what they "don't like to eat." please, TALK MY EAR OFF! plus, i wouldn't be standing at your counter gabbing if i really had somewhere to be.

~you will not do it perfectly. i have never met a perfect mother. my own mother, while i love her immensely, is not perfect. the only perfect person is Jesus. strive to be like him, and you still won't measure up, but that is ok. being like Jesus is better than not being like Him, and your children will thank you one day.

i love telling moms stories about their kids. sometimes the stories are funny, sometimes they aren't. but all of the time, they breath life. so have a messy house, talk my ear off, and be imperfect. grace makes it all ok.

important.

sometimes teaching is monotnous. you do the same thing, day after day, get frustrated with the same things...its like a vicious cycle. a lot of the time, i feel inadequate. my teaching skills are not up to par with most other teachers. i'm JUST a preschool teacher. it seems as if, to the rest of the working world, what i do, doesn't matter.

but it does.

there are days when i believe those lies. the ones that tell me "you're not doing enough" or "preschool isn't very serious." but then there are days that i don't believe those lies. there are days that are great. where my kids understand what i'm teaching them. where they leave class knowing how to say hello and goodbye in Chinese, when they leave giving each other hugs because they love each other, when parents tell me that their child came home talking about school. those are the days that the lies fade real quick.

i believe that what i do is very important. i am helping to mold a very impressionable mind to be in love with Christ, to love others, and to succeed in life. yes, i don't get to see the fruit of that labor initially, but i have to believe that what i do matters. i have to believe that God put me into this place in life for a reason.

i love my kids. i love my job. i'm so thankful for where God has me right now. i. am. blessed.