two B's.

two B's: Bible and Bethany Dillon

ever felt like you had the right to throw a tantrum? i did. last night actually. things around me were spinning out of control and i just wanted them to stop. so, although i was not actually kicking and screaming on the floor like a child, i chose to write out my feelings.

i chose to blog. i wrote until my little heart's content, published it. had my best friend (who was just engaged!) read it. then took it down.

after many shed tears, a headache, and "returning to the garden," i felt much better. i felt like, after 25 years of singleness, it was my right to throw a tantrum. valentine's day (until i have a guy to call mine) is such a dumb holiday to me. sure all about the love and who you love, but a lot of times, for singles like me, its just another day where we are acutely aware of our state of alone-ness. and i loathe it (if you couldn't tell).

last night i handed Satan my battered heart and all he did was wring it out like a dishtowel. i know my Savior and i know He loves me, but time and time again i hand my heart over to the wrong person. not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. i came to the fork in the road and said, "you know what God, i think Satan will have a better handle on this." now, i didn't intentionally say that to God, but my actions reflected it.

God has provided for me in the past, why can't i just trust Him with this provision? why can't i just surrender (my word for the year)? i may be broken and battered, but my Savior still loves me...even when i act like a child. not only that, but he put amazing women in my life to speak truth into my life, and i am so grateful.

i will leave this post with a song from Bethany Dillon. it really spoke to me this morning on the ride to work. my favorite line is when she says "you took my heart of stone, you made it whole, set this prisoner free, HALLELUJAH!"

crazy girl say what?

i may or may not be in love.

loaded statement, right? i know, you may or may not believe me. so, for all you nonbelievers out there, here is the list.

1. i may or may not be in LOVE with the bachelor. what i love about it is the desperation of these poor girls. for instance, the past two seasons there has been a "crazy Michelle." same name and everything...and both, equally crazy. i just think about how they are all "looking for love" with a man THEY MAY OR MAY NOT ACTUALLY KNOW. just to think that if they had that love with the Father...they would be satisfied. hmm...but i do love a good drama!

2. i may be in love with some new girls in my life. i love spending every wednesday with the Sweet RoLLS. you have no idea how much i enjoy hearing what these girls have to say. and oh, how i've needed that in my life.

3. i may or may not be LOVING my ACTS class. besides being able to spend time with the girls mentioned above, this study is blowing me away! seriously, i am so glad the Father designed me the way he did. to be delicate and treasured. what an awesome truth to live in.

4. i may or may not have recorded Enchanted during the super bowl. i left a party early just to come watch it. hey! i don't care who gets to go to Disney Land....as long as i get to see McDreamy and his beautiful blue eyes, i'll be good to go!

if you're wondering why i do this, please visit my sweet friend Emily's blog. she may or may not be one of the funniest people i know. not only that, but she brings sweet tea every week and i LOVE sweet tea!

embarrassment.

this is Ellen. she was by far the quietest student in my whole class....by whole class, i mean all 8 students. she wore the same yellow jacket everyday to school and rarely spoke.

my favorite thing about Ellen was that she was literally bff with Tom. every day, they sat next to each other. if i was lucky, i would catch them whispering to each other.

one day, after i had noticed them hanging out for quite some time, i asked if they were dating. WRONG QUESTION. she nearly fell out of her chair laughing. between the laughter and sweet giggles from the other students, i figured what i had asked, was embarrassing to her. as i was turning all shades of red, she was as well. i laughed, she did as well. that is one moment i will never forget. lesson learned.

Ellen was a spectacular artist. this beauty was drawn on the board when i arrived for afternoon activities. she must have not gone home from the morning session.

she also drew me a picture of a Chinese girl dressed in traditional garb. i cherish that picture, its in my journal.

behind all her quiet smiles and silent giggles was a sweet girl. i miss Ellen.

happy wishes.

i may or may not have cried a lot when thinking about this post. i knew the day would come when i would have to share everything about this specific student of mine. i may or may not have spent the entire weekend looking at pictures from this summer, recounting all that the Father has done. and what did i get? a lot of tear soaked tissues, along with smiles and huge laughter. i cannot help but thank the sweet precious Father for this past summer. here is why:

this is Nancy. i've probably talked about her quite a bit already. i instantly bonded with Nancy. we had a lot in common. her father was sick with heart problems, mine had been also. her dad worries too much, so does mine. as i read her first journal entry, i cried because it made me think of my dad. anyways, Nancy was the real deal student.

in my eyes, she could do no wrong. ask anyone. she was definitely my favorite. i absolutely adored her heart, and could tell, if i were allowed to share, she would be a Sister. i just know it deep in my heart.

Nancy always came to class prepared, and was desk mates with Danielle. whenever i spoke, they laughed...a lot. i loved walking towards the two of them because they would be talking, as soon as i got to their desk, they were staring straight up at me with huge smiles on their faces. it was, of course, to mask their confusion on the topic at hand.

one day, Nancy stopped me after class. it was probably towards the end of the second week of school. we were about to start wrapping things up, when she uttered the words "i have to leave my dorm and go home." in the words of Miley Cyrus "sweet chinese girl say what?!" i was so confused. i didn't know what that meant or where she was going or if i would ever see her again. see, in China, they are famous for picking the most inopportune time to start construction on things. it could be the middle of the night and they start building a building, or in my case, the middle of summer camp they tear down a dorm where kids are currently staying.  never underestimate Asia.

so Nancy had to leave to go home. she handed me a purple bag with a box in it and i tried to convince her to come back for class next week, the last week of camp. gave her a hug, and on she went. i didn't actually know if she would come back, i hoped, but i didn't know for sure.

i got to our "office" and opened the bag. you see, earlier that week i had seen a couple of students forming stars out of paper and tiny plastic straws. i had absolutely NO idea what they were doing with them, and assumed it was a new fad that had hit the area of LongDe. as i opened the box, in a Winnie the Pooh jar, was a jar FULL of tiny stars. inside the jar, on top, was an origami star that read "best wishes" on the outside.

what i had not realized was that the stars were for me. they made every star and put a wish with it. on the right hand of my dresser, you can see a small jar. it is filled to the brim with those sweet stars. every time i see the stars i am reminded of sweet Nancy.

as we walked back to our "hotel" my eyes filled with tears. i had just received the most precious physical gift in my entire life, and who knew if i would even see the child again.

i think the Father heard my cries, and brought Nancy back to class the next week, the final week of camp.  upon her return, Nancy had written me a letter. this letter contained some of the sweetest words ever spoken to me. even thinking about it now makes me cry (i told you, i may or may not have used TONS of tissues). in this letter she told me of how she told her dad she really wanted to come back to camp. he found a way for her to stay with her best friend until camp was over so she could come. hooray! Nancy was back! she continued on in the letter about how my smile made her happy and that when i hugged her the day she gave me the gift, it was the first hug she had ever received (tear hitting mouse pad as we speak). how can one girl go 16 years without ever receiving a hug? its mind boggling to me!

that day, i learned something. the Father's love transcends cultures. a simple smile can make someones entire day a million times better. i also learned that a hug can mean more to a person than we realize. so why don't we do it more often?

i learned how to show love that day. i learned that there is nothing better than a good cry. i also learned that i serve a HUGE and magnificent Father that is calling Nancy unto Himself. oh to sit at His feet with Nancy. i believe that day will come. and what a joyous day it will certainly be!