waffles and lights

it was November 18th. i woke up and did my usual gym, breakfast, bible routine. called my mom (or dad...i can't really remember which one) telling them how nervous i was and that THE meeting was that day. then i messaged Libby (one of the coolest women you will ever meet) the same thing...and headed out the door.

since God has called me back to Madagascar in the near future, i wanted to share my heart with Pastor David and Danny. there is just something about hearing life stories from people...and not just reading them in an email. as i sat in the conference room that day, i didn't know what to expect.

i started off telling Pastor David how Paige and i experienced our own "manna" in the form of waffles. it wasn't a mind blowing story. it was just a dream i had and conversations with Paige about waffles...then God provided...when we weren't even expecting it. its a simple story...God's provision in the seemingly meaningless form of waffles.

then i shared about sweet little Dodona (who isn't so little anymore...according to recent photos) falling asleep in my lap at church. again, God provided a sweet little message that spoke directly to my heart...as He knew it would. i forget the simple stories. they aren't jaw dropping...and that is ok. i think we expect the jaw dropping stories...but in reality God is in every little story in our lives.

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:19

when driving at night, my car's headlights only illuminate so far. i try to see way ahead of me to know where i'm going, but the light only shows me a small piece of the road. isn't that like Jesus? taking us one step at a time. we don't need to see the whole road...we just need to see what's in front of us. Jesus will take us the whole way, but if we were to see the entire road, we might miss the places where we needed His help most.

i can't see the future. i don't know the exact date i will return to Madagascar. i have a time frame i'm  reaching for, but Jesus is only showing me a portion of the road. and you know what? that is certainly ok. i think if i saw the entire plan i would get overwhelmed and stop...because i'm human and a tad of a worrier.

its in the small things that i need to see God working. its in waffles and kids falling asleep in your lap that you can see Jesus. yes, its in the big things too...but in the small things, it makes our great God so much more personal.

Danny said to me before leaving that day, "we are so proud of you." what he didn't know, is that God spoke to me in that moment. it wasn't a life changing statement, people say they're proud of people all the time. what God spoke to me is to have faith in the little things. even while i'm waiting for the next big thing, this matters. being here...it matters. being faithful in everything, well for the sake of sounding redundant, it matters.

so, you, sitting behind that computer or phone....or whatever electronic device...what you're doing matters. allow God to meet you in the small and insignificant places of your life. give Him room to speak to you through silly things like waffles.

little hands and full hearts

the sun came up one Sunday morning. the heat already unbearable…and the dogs were still barking from the night before. i was awake before my alarm…because the sun beamed into my bedroom window. i sat on the edge of my bed, still foggy from sleep (or lack thereof) watching out the window of my bedroom on the 2nd floor.

people walked by. peeking in through the gate in front of our house trying to catch a glimpse of…well, who knows what. women carrying baskets on their heads full of fruit, vegetables, or ducks to sell at the market. barefoot children running up and down the street. the pastor and his family across the street getting ready for church that day.

i climbed down the stairs to gather myself and grab a cup of the greatest coffee i've ever tasted. that coffee was so strong it could put hairs on your chest…if you don't have any that is. i sat down at our semi-broken dining room table with coffee and probably some kind of breakfast item…you know…eggs or something. as i read my Bible, i started to get more and more excited for church that morning.

i was reminded of how i missed church at home. and how i missed friends at home. and air conditioning. i missed worshipping in my native language. and sitting in a pew that didn't make my butt fall asleep. and for the love of all things holy…did i mention AIR CONDITIONING?

i quickly snapped back to reality and went upstairs and finished getting ready for church. as i was standing in front of my fan…trying to decide whether i was going to put my hair in a ponytail or a bun (the struggle…so real)…i heard tiny faint voices calling my name. this was not a usual ordeal, so i walked to the window to see what was going on. low and behold it was some of the kids from the church waiting to walk, hand in hand mind you, with us to church. i think it was their favorite part of the day…and secretly it was mine too.

as we settled into our pews…or small wooden benches…the kids began to stir. see in the US children go to their own class. they are kept away from the service so that the adults can concentrate and are often looked down upon if they are in church service…heaven forbid they make noise! did i strike a nerve?

in our church, the kids were fully involved! they had their own prayers, songs, and even welcomed visitors and celebrated birthdays…all in the service! that day, my sweet little friend Dodona, was rather antsy. i noticed that his mom was busy taking care of his younger brother and his grandma was at home sick. so as he roamed, freely, around the church, i motioned for him to come sit next to me in the pew.

he quickly climbed through, between me and Laura. he sat perfectly still for awhile, then started to lean. further and further he leaned, until he was asleep on my lap. sprawled out…mouth hanging open. i didn't hear a word of what the pastor was saying. all i could pay attention to was this sweet little boy asleep in my lap.

i cry when i think of that moment and how pivotal it was, and still is, to me. it was the moment that i knew God was working through me. it was the moment i knew that it was nothing i had done. the moment that God reached down and touched my heart in a very special way, that only i would understand.

when Dodona woke up, he only wanted to be with me. not even his mom could tear him away. so i held his hand, and we all walked outside to greet the other members after church was over. and even after that, he still had a tight grip on my hand.

have you ever rested in Jesus like that? just fallen at His feet and rested in Him? all i can think about that moment is how i long for the times i'm able to do that with Jesus. isn't that how it should look? so peaceful and comfortable that we are just sprawled out before Him. and shouldn't we cling to His hand like Dodona did mine? there is such joy and peace in just resting in His arms and clinging to His hand.

reach out today. cling to His hand. only He knows where you are going and how you'll get there. rest in His promises. He is faithful and His mercies are new every morning.

every. single. morning.

what i learned in September

here are a few things i've learned in September. Emily Freeman does this at the end of the month...and i love it...so i decided to do it as well! here they are in no particular order!

1. i love to be at Disney in the rain. call me crazy...but it really is so fun! i rode Thunder Mountain in the rain 5 times...and i don't even regret it. i also watched Hanson in the rain...so there's that.

2. i am extremely repulsed by bucket hats and puka shells. just don't do it. around me anyways. heaven forbid someone wear a bucket hat and a puka shell necklace at the same time! just. say. no.

3. change happens. people move. friendships change. but sometimes, i don't like change.

4. itunes got rid of my favorite 3 of a Kind radio station. it was my favorite thing to help me enter the presence of the Lord during my quiet time...and its gone. just like that. (please refer to previous number)

5. conviction comes in many forms. and when it comes, it has the ability to change your attitude completely. that is, if you allow it to. and when you're convicted...you should allow it to change your attitude.

6. my new favorite stores include Nordstrom Rack, Costco, and Ulta.

7. this isn't something i really learned in September...but something i've been reminded of. God is big. He can heal you. He can save (and already has) you. He loves you despite you. He wants all people to know Him. that means everyone....not one person left out! 

8. i cry when Jesus changes lives. (also not something i learned...something that i was reminded of) and when i say cry...i really mean sob. because God is so good. always. can't we agree on that?!

what have you learned in September?

legacy

it was 5 years ago that my pappaw died. i don't really know why this was brought to mind today, but as i had some Jesus time, i realized why.

pappaw died of congestive heart failure, but that is not how i remember him. i remember all the cool sounds he could make. it always blew my mind as a child (and sadly as an adult too) how he did it. he always made the sound of a train whistle. it was so loud! i loved it!

mammaw always made THE BEST homemade biscuits. it was one of two things i loved to eat while visiting...the other being her homemade pecan pie...mmm....my mouth is watering. anyways, those biscuits were the bomb dot com and pappaw knew how much i loved them...and knew that the only thing that was good on top of a homemade biscuit was fresh honey. he always, always, had honey waiting for me when we visited.

on the off chance that i woke up before 11 am on vacation, i would always find him in his recliner. my mammaw would be sitting on the couch next to him. what were they doing you ask? reading their Bibles and drinking coffee. the original hipsters...if you will. despite all his crazy antics, i knew that my pappaw loved the Lord. that is one thing that was unmistakable. his Bible was well worn and used...the mark of someone who treasures and values scripture and the One who inspired its writing.

in my study of Acts, i have reached Stephen. he was a man described as "full of faith" and "full of grace and power." he spoke truth through the power of the Holy Spirit. the man was bold for Jesus for sure. he was stoned for speaking truth and sharing the Gospel...what an awesome testimony!

Stephen left a huge legacy. to this day, he is considered the first Christian martyr. he died doing what he loved and telling people about the One who loved them beyond all comprehension. this got me thinking about the word legacy.

legacy: anything handed down from the past, as from an ancestor or predecessor.

you usually hear this word at funerals. i mean...its totally appropriate to talk about someone's legacy at a funeral. but what if we started talking about it before we died? wouldn't it be useful to talk about the kind of legacy we are leaving before we actually leave? 

in 5th grade i had the funniest teacher. he was an awesome teacher and when i reached high school, he passed away from cancer. there is always one thing i will remember about him...he LOVED the song Play that Funky Music. don't ask me why i remember that...but i do. and it makes me laugh every time i hear that song...seeing him walk around the classroom singing it. i don't know what his spiritual condition was, but the legacy he left is forever imprinted in my memory.

i want to be remembered. i want to leave a legacy that matters. i want people to say of me that i was "full of faith" and "full of grace"...something i'm working on. i want to leave more of a legacy than my crazy loud laugh. i want people to know that Jesus loves them because of the life i lived for Him.

i don't have children, but i do know people are always watching...little and big. what kind of legacy am i leaving them? what kind of legacy are you leaving?

*this post is brought to you by a whole lot of conviction in my life*

healing the lame

i've started going through Acts to really spend time with how the church began. i can't say that i've ever spent a great deal of time with Peter, Paul, and the gang in Acts. chapter 3 happens after Peter's big moment at Pentecost. Peter has just lead tons of people to Christ...imagine the excitement surrounding him.

so, chapter 3, Peter and John are going to the temple to pray and they see a man. this man hasn't been able to walk...since birth. he's begging for money and everyone knows him. then Peter comes up to him:

"But Peter said, "I have no silver and gold, but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk."  v. 6

ok. stop and picture this moment...as the lame man. you can't walk...and never have. some man comes up to you and tells you to get up. "this has GOT to be a joke...right? can't you see my legs?" that is what i would have said...but then this happens: 

"And he took him by the right hand and raised him up, and immediately his feet and ankles were made strong. and leaping up he stood and began to walk, and entered the temple with them, walking and leaping and praising God. And all the people saw him walking and praising God." v. 7

holy cow! what a sight that must have been! can you imagine...that person you've always known to have some ailment, suddenly the ailment is gone? gosh, just thinking about what that would be like gives me chills.

he was walking.

he was leaping.

leaping and walking.

walking and leaping.

and praising God. not Peter...God. how easy it would have been to praise Peter...he was the one that healed him, right? not a chance. he was the vessel. the power was (and is) in the name of Jesus Christ. what happens next, well that just hit me upside the head.

Peter starts to tell the crowd, the one i would be standing in...all astonished and amazed, "HELLO! you've seen this before!!" 

conviction. falling. like. rain.

Peter tells this crowd that faith in the power of Jesus' name is what healed this man. how many times do you pray and are amazed when He answers your prayer? whether good or seemingly bad, i am always blown away at God answering my prayers. i know i'm not alone.

when i look at this passage, i'm reminded that i am very small. there is power in His name...and in His name alone. and if you're like me, you are also reminded of your lack of faith. not in Jesus, but in the belief that He is who He says He is and will do what He's promised to do. and that, my friends, is something i'm continually working on. let's all grow our faith. stop being astonished and know, that what you ask for in faith, in the power of Jesus' name, will be fulfilled. 

joy.

joy.

it tends to come in all shapes and sizes. smiles and laughter. giggles and squeals. sweet hugs and holding of hands.

i don't know if you've been out of the country. i don't know where your travels have taken you. you may have not even traveled outside of your neighborhood, but there is one place that everyone in their life has to travel outside of. its unknown and scary. this place is....

your comfort zone

photo cred Laura Murtha

that place is so scary, you can hardly bring yourself to do it. it makes your heart race, palms sweat, and words jumble. but have you ever been outside the nice warm glow of your comfort zone? there was a time when i thought my comfort zone was the best place to be. 

surely God doesn't want you to have a hard life...right? surely God wants you to be comfortable...surely.

think again.

its not even that He wants you to have a hard life, you will. He promises it. the Word is full of examples where the christian life isn't about roses and rainbows...its building an ark when everyone thinks you're nuts. its walking into a fire, to your certain death. its being barren for almost your entire life. its hanging out with people who are difficult to love.

but with all those difficult circumstances come incredible blessings. a family saved from a flood that destroyed all people. walking out of a fire without burns and not smelling of smoke. its having a child that God's promise rests on. its you, me, and anyone who hears the sweet words of Jesus. they can be things we may or may not see while on this earth. blessings that make you so thankful that your bones ache. you know what i'm talking about? the kinds that make you want to shout from the rooftops how good the Lord is.

photo cred. Laura Murtha

comforts are nice. trust me...i love my bed. and i LOVE air conditioning. i love hot showers, and a good hamburger, and giant milkshakes...but that isn't what God called me to, is it?

He called me to get my feet dirty and filled with menacing sand fleas. He called me to hold the tiny, dirt covered hands of little children. He called me to slip in rice paddies. for what?

His name's sake

isn't that what we are all called to? do something...whatever that thing may be...for His glory? is there anything more important? i don't think there is...nor will there ever be anything more important.

His glory is worth every hardship. He is worth getting outside yourself. God is so good, that even when you do honor Him, He gives you blessings for that. you want to know what they look like?

sweet little voices yelling your name as they run down the street. its a friend taking you to his house so you can eat from his litchi tree before the litchi is ready to be eaten. its running from pousse pousse drivers who insist on "driving" you to your next destination. its being able to sing your favorite Malagasy worship song, Ary Teny, not knowing what the words mean, but knowing that its the only song you can actually remember.

our lives should be lived outside our comfort zones. blessings upon blessings await us on the other side. it was once said 

God is already waiting for you where He will take you.

Jack Fiscus

with that kind of assurance, why would you not want to live where God is taking you? i don't know about you, but i choose to live there...forever. where is your comfort zone? God is already waiting outside it for you. wherever that may be for you, be there.

"Aslan is a lion-the Lion, the great Lion." "Ohh," said Susan. "I'd thought he was a man. Is he-quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion." "Safe?" said Mr. Beaver. "Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

Chronicles of Narnia

saturday reliving

*recently, i was challenged to journal about life and the things God is doing in my life. from now until...well until i decide to stop, every saturday will be devoted to recalling the good things God has done in my life or has taught me!*

last year, my birthday was very unique. i spent it in Antsirabe, Madagascar. a town about 9 hours (or so) northwest of Manakara. after being in Manakara for roughly 2 months by that point, this was a BIG city! they had a grocery store and a pizza restaurant! its the little things my friends. we (Paige and i) had traveled with the Newtons to help watch the children while new missionaries to the island had orientation.

the day of my birthday (october 11), we woke up and had breakfast...which consisted of APPLES. these were very rare...and by very rare...you couldn't find them in Manakara. they were green apples, sour and juicy deliciousness. a little piece of home to start our day.

during our training in Botswana, i was able to see my bestest friend, Emily. she gave me a package of letters to open each week i was in Manakara, and a special gift bag with a birthday present inside! i had brought that with me to Antsirabe, so of course, i opened it right after eating my apple! a beautiful picture frame with a picture of me and Emily and a journal. a treasured gift for sure.

i was treated to lunch at the Pousse Pousse Cafe and ate a delicious hamburger...another luxury of being in a big(er) city! just so you know, a pousse pousse is a cart type vehicle that is pulled by humans. you would ride one to the store or where ever you needed to go. i don't really know how those tiny men pulled people all day every day...but they did. anyways, the burger was delicious and i loved every minute of it!

that night it was raining and storming out, so we decided to huddle in the Newton's room for a movie. that was a very short lived idea...since the power went out. end to that day was so fun! :)

the next day Angela and Paige took me to the pizza restaurant where they had awesome desserts! Angela had bought some party hats and plates and cups...it was awesome! little did i know that Paige had smuggled birthday cards from my family in her suitcase! she piled them onto the table and i burst into tears instantly (just recalling this memory is making me tear up). i didn't realize how much i missed them until reading those cards. each word i read was just like the proverb says:

Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body. Prov. 16:24

being in another country, away from everything familiar, makes you re-think things. makes you long for things that aren't that important, like apples. but God showed me that deep relationships are essential to daily living. you don't have to go across the world to figure that out. that may mean you go across the living room, or down the street, or across town. wherever you have to travel to foster those relationships, go there. Jesus came to you to develop a deep relationship, why can't you do the same for someone else? 

fear not, little flock

have you ever read something that you just needed to marinate over? that was me this week. i read something in my devotional that nearly had me in tears.

"Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom."

Luke 12:32

if you read this verse in context Jesus has just told the disciples to not be anxious about anything. when i read this passage further, the part right before the verse above was this:

"And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you." (v29-31)

what really got me was the part that says "all the nations of the world seek after these things." i am continually blown away by how big God is. He knows what i need...as well as the rest of the world. let that sink in for a moment. ok...moving on.

as if that isn't enough, the devotional continued talking about God's promises. and how in verse 32 Jesus is telling us the nature of God and that He wants the best for us.

i don't know about you, but there are some days i have a hard time believing the promises of God. i know in my head that merit, or things i do, will never sway God's feelings toward me, but sometimes my heart doesn't believe it. there is nothing i can do to gain the favor of God other than through Jesus his Son. and isn't that the work of the enemy? always prowling around, trying to make us disbelieve God.

that guy. can't take him anywhere.

the only thing i know for certain is that the Word of God extinguishes ALL the flaming arrows of the evil one. there is nothing more powerful in overcoming the enemy's lies than the truth of scripture. i'm no expert on always remembering to use scripture to combat the enemy, but man, when i do remember...the outcome is unbelievable.

so, the next time you feel overwhelmed, worried, exhausted...turn to scripture. lean in, rest on, and soak up, the sweet fragrant promises of the Lord. He wants the best for us...isn't it time we started believing it?

plugged in.

i learned so much going to Madagascar....abandoning my home for another country. i didn't only learn spiritual things...i learned practical things. i think i grew up a little in going...you know...life lessons that can (and never will be) taught by a book or in a classroom? i learned things like:

~ how to successfully line dry clothing so they're not stiff.

~ how to search and destroy a cockroach at any given hour of the night.

~ how to make meals with unknown ingredients (like on those food network shows!)

and the last one...and maybe the most important...

~ how to live unplugged.

i know, i know. this topic is all the rage these days. i think its maybe every other day that i'm reading a post or hearing someone talk about unplugging from the world. i am not nearly as unplugged as i'd like to be...and its mostly my fault...but also the fault of the culture i live in.

its hard to not compare America to Madagascar. lets face it, they're nothing alike. but when you go to another country for an extended amount of time, or even outside your comfort zone, you start to see things differently and often times, more clearly. 

so, that being said, here is my advice for how to unplug:

put. down. the. phone.

there. i said it! i can walk into a group of my friends and every single one of them will be on their phones. i was just telling someone the other day that when my roommate and i are watching Netflix and it suddenly goes down...we jump on Pinterest and send funny pins to each other. in silence mind you. WHAT HAPPENED TO US?

the reason the 4 months in Madagascar was so awesome and hard to leave was because i spent more time away from a screen talking to real life people than i did in front of the screen talking to people who give me the best (and often times phoniest) version of themselves. there...i said it again! what everyone has been thinking, but not really saying.

when i put down my phone i had some of the sweetest times with Jesus. i got to spend time with some of the most beautiful people i've ever met in my entire life. i was able to see children...really see them. see their hurt, their joy, and their overwhelming unconditional love. i was able to look into the eyes of dying and broken people and see that Jesus made them and loves them so enormously that He sent me, plain ol' me, to tell them about that love. let me tell you, when you put down that phone, you will see that.

you will see dying and broken people searching for love and truth. you will see your sin so clearly, it makes you want to throw up. you will see Jesus, and His mighty outstretched arms, waiting to embrace you.

so, take a little time. join me and put down your phone and look around. chances are, when you have your phone in front of your face, you're missing out on seeing something God wants you to see. and that, my friends, is more important than any picture you will take, text you will send, or tweet you will post.

affirmation

a lot of my friends have been blogging lately (which i love!)....and its inspired me to blog...since mine has been lacking. if you want to hear about the fun lives of some of my friends you can check them out here, here, and here!

life these days has been kind of crazy. the days have been filled with Disney World (wahoo!!), work, BIG prayers, some more Disney, and lots more BIG prayers. and, wouldn't you guess, my word for the year has been popping up in the most unexpected places! friends stepping out, in faith, to obey what the Lord has called them to.

maybe its just me, but when i see my friends stepping up and being bold, it pumps me up! it makes me chant like i'm at the World Cup singing Ole! and the enemy (darn him!) sees that and tries to flat out knock me on my rear end! he says:

"you can't do that!"

"who would ever say that's ok?"

"you're. not. good. enough."

does that last one ring true to anyone? Bueller....? he sees you praying those BIG (quite huge) prayers and getting all excited for and because of the obedience of your friends, and he doesn't like it. not one stinking bit. i'd like to say that i don't fall for it...ever...but the sad thing is, i do.

one of my favorite quotes and the most affirming one to me is:

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

gosh, there is such truth in that! when will i ever be good enough to do what God has called me to do? on my own, never. but one of the most beautiful things about Jesus is that He is enough. i will never be the best at anything i do, on my own. everything i do is incomplete without Jesus. He makes it complete. He makes me complete.

so, next time, remember that you are, in fact, enough. not because of you, but because of Jesus. always because of Jesus.

healing.

i've been reading through the book of Isaiah lately. i am always blown away with how Isaiah just declares what the Lord tells him to...and with such authority. what if we said the things God told us to with authority? how would life be different? oh man...so many thought provoking questions...but that's neither here nor there.

i'm in chapter 19...an oracle concerning Egypt.

as i read this chapter i was like "umm...woah." Egypt was a pretty harsh place to live anyways, with all its idols and cruel pharaohs. God lays out a plan of how Egypt will become barren...dried up...nothing. they would turn to their idols...which would, of course, do nothing for them. then verse 19-20 happens.

In that day there will be an alter to the Lord in the midst of the land of Egypt, and a pillar to the Lord at its border. It will be a sign and a witness to the Lord of hosts in the land of Egypt. When they cry to the Lord because of oppressors, he will send them a savior and defender, and deliver them.

all the drying and nothingness that had become of Egypt, was to turn them to the Lord. not only to turn them to the Lord, but to deliver and save them. God wanted to make himself known to the Egyptians, and this was the way to do it.

And the Lord will make himself known to the Egyptians, and the Egyptians will know the Lord in that day and worship with sacrifice and offering, and they will make vows to the Lord and perform them. And the Lord will strike Egypt, striking and healing, and they will return to the Lord, and he will listen to their pleas for mercy and heal them. (v.21-22)

i like the emphasis of striking and healing in those verses. its a continual process. being stricken, then healed. God always heals you when you turn to Him for healing. and i think that is what i love so much about this passage. 

the Lord wants to heal us. He sent Jesus to die for us...clearly He wants us healed. but we don't turn to Him for it. we may say we do, but we really don't. we cling to the hope that WE might be able to change OUR circumstance. it is absolutely nothing we do. it is all God. 

healing doesn't come from books, or movies, or eating ice cream (my personal favorite). healing comes from the Lord God Almighty. Jehovah Rapha. and only Him. if you are looking for it elsewhere, stop. your looking will be in vain.

God doesn't say "maybe will heal them", He says "and heal them." its a promise. a guaranteed fact. no matter what the hurt is, he will heal you. not partially, fully. you will be fully healed. now what about that isn't awesome? what about that makes you want to find it elsewhere? even though i forget (a lot) that healing is from the Lord, every time i turn to Him and plea for his mercy, He heals me.

every. single. time.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to HIM be GLORY in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 3:20-21

the center of it

photo cred to Laura Murtha

leaving Madagascar was hard. i didn't really want to go…4 months was and wasn't long enough. it is amazing how God can so uniquely shape your heart to the people you are serving. everywhere i've traveled, it amazes me each time.

returning wasn't the easiest process either. don't get me wrong, returning to the homeland…full of air conditioning (sorry Angela), unlimited internet, and people that love me…was great! but there was something i couldn't shake.

where's my place now?

every day in Madagascar was full of ministry and laughter and meeting people in the streets and living every single moment with other people. the beautiful thing about living in another country is that there is never a time where you aren't learning. you learn about people and their culture and their language. you learn how they do things a certain way and why they are done that way. all that learning is incredibly fun, but also very exhausting.

coming home, i had a very hard time adjusting….very. it seemed that every picture, every thought, every quiet moment with Jesus would send me straight into the ugly cry. and for a reason, i can't really explain fully. as someone wise once said, "you're mourning a loss." which i was…and still am to an extent.

it left me wondering why God had me in this season. i prayed hard, asking the Lord to show me His will. i asked questions like "ok, now what" "why, do i have to be here" and "just help me!" i spent many mornings, quietly listening. trying to make sense of it all.

then God did something unbelievable. He opened my heart. He gave me freedom. He delivered me from the pit of mourning. it happened at lunch with a good friend. after talking non stop about Madagascar, it was brought up to volunteer in the ESL ministry at church. i fought it. not outwardly…but in my own head and heart i wrestled with the Lord. it wasn't Madagascar….i couldn't possibly like it…..even though i taught english in Madagascar i fought silently about it.

so, after much thought and prayer, i went. and wouldn't you guess i fell in love with it?! God has this great way of making you step out and obey and then blessing you as a result of your obedience.

there was one defining moment. as i was sitting during the break time at ESL, everyone was singing. people from all nations, singing praises to God. if you've never heard that sound before, i imagine it is what the angels sound like in Heaven. as praises were lifted all around me, i knew, in that moment, i was in the center of it. smack dab in the middle of God's will for my life, and i couldn't have felt any safer.

i think about Madagascar every single day. i will never forget the people i love there. my second family. my second home. and of course i want to return some day. there is one thing greater though, and His name is Jesus. He has me here for a reason…to reach the nations from right where i am. my heart aches to be with the people i left behind, but i know that God is faithful and His name will be proclaimed from wherever i happen to be.

"But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works."

Psalm 73:28

words to feelings

its no surprise that i miss Madagascar. well...not to me anyways. it is surprising just how much i miss it and how hard it is to be away, but each passing day it gets a tiny bit easier. on our last day in Madagascar, i received a bracelet from a very dear friend.

i instantly broke into tears when it was put on my wrist the first time. it generally never comes off my arm. i wear it as a reminder. a reminder of God's goodness. a reminder to be thankful for not only the things God has given me, but the friends i made in Manakara. it is a reminder to be in prayer every day.

my word for the year is faith. this word has already proven to be a lesson that i've needed to learn. it is hard to leave a people, that have such a hunger for the Gospel, and know that God is still moving. this lesson in faith has already started to teach me things. i saw a quote the other day that read 

"faith is not hoping God can, it is knowing He will." 

it hit me square between the eyes. i almost busted into tears (by almost...i probably did...i cry a lot these days). faith isn't hoping He is moving, its knowing He is. faith isn't hoping all people will hear the Gospel, its knowing they will. in one of my quiet times earlier this week, i read a quote by Charles Spurgeon that said "faith lays hold upon the promise of pardon, and it does not delay, saying; 'this is a precious promise. I wonder if it be true?' but it goes straight to the throne with it, and pleads, 'Lord, here is the promise, do as thou hast said.'" faith is taking the promises of God and believing them in complete confidence.

i know that the Lord has called me. i have faith, that He is going to complete the good work He began in me. me. i know, that all that is required of me, is to focus on Him. have you ever had a song speak to you when words have failed? that song that says everything you're thinking and feeling...out loud...and perfectly? yeah...i heard that song earlier this week. i can't get it out of my head.

Francesca Battistelli-Strangely Dim

I've got all these plans piled up sky high
A thousand dreams on hold
And I don't know why,
I got a front row seat
To the longest wait
And I just can't see
Past the things I pray
Today

But when I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don't look around
Any place I'm in
Grows strangely dim

Sometimes where I stand
On this narrow road
Is in a raging storm
Or a valley low
But oh oh oh oh oh oh

When I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don't look around
Any place I'm in
Grows strangely dim

I don't know, I don't know
What tomorrow may hold
But I know, but I know
That You're holding it all
So no matter what may come

I'm gonna fix my eyes on all that You are
'Til every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
Let all my worries fade
And fall to the ground
I'm gonna seek Your face
And not look around
Til the place I'm in
Grows strangely, strangely, strangely dim.

so, as i sit here, i will focus on Christ. all my prayers for my future are still there, but seeking Him helps me have faith. unashamed faith. faith that is unshakable and immovable. i pray, that as you look to what tomorrow holds, have faith that God will do what He says He is going to do. focus on Him, and everything else will melt away...and become....strangely dim.