the ugly cry.

i first heard her blog, read, as she had written it. it was a video for the (in)RL through (in)courage. her words pierced my heart and i instantly bust into the ugly cry. you know what kind i'm talking about...the one where all you can do is sob until you have no breath. its ugly. its real. its truth.

i have thought those words for the better half of my single life. i've asked all the same questions.

• why won't anyone pick me?
• am i doing something wrong?
• why did God give her a husband and not me?
• why will God answer all my other prayers, but not this one?

these are questions that i ask almost daily. i am not knocking single life. i do realize that other things would suffer as a result of me being in a relationship. i wouldn't have freedom to do the things i do now. i get it. and if i hear one more person tell me "Jesus is your boyfriend" not only will i scream, i will send a very generous eye roll your way.

i understand. i get that Jesus is there. not only do i get it, i believe it! i believe with all my heart, soul, and mind that He is there. in my sorrow, in my doubt...with me through it all. just because being single stinks...a lot of the time...doesn't mean i don't believe He's any less present.

God didn't call Christians to an easy life. this is not easy. this is tough. but, i'm learning. there is joy in singleness. there is grace in singleness. there is freedom in singleness. not because of being single, but because there is a God who is bigger than all of it. who sees me, who has been there, and who is there...always.  

thoughts on motherhood: from a single girl

i come in contact with moms almost daily. whether its through teaching or babysitting or even just walking down the aisle at Target, i see moms everywhere. they all have that same look. the one thats worn out, fed up, and down right tired. here are some tips...from an outsider...and a single girl nonetheless.

~it is ok if your house is dirty. when moms ask me to babysit, after i say yes, they usually follow up their question, by stating " you'll have to excuse the mess." while i completely understand you think your house is messy because you haven't vacuumed or there are toys scattered in the living room, your mess has purpose. think about it! it shows life. it shows vibrant life that has way more energy than 3 adults put together. so really, i don't mind your mess. mess gives me hope.

~please do not apologize for talking my ear off. as a preschool teacher, i understand the need for adult conversation. most days i feel like i talk to children better than i talk to adults. so you talking my ear off is just an excuse for me to enjoy conversation that didn't include someone whining about getting hit, or someone tattle taleing, or for goodness sakes what they "don't like to eat." please, TALK MY EAR OFF! plus, i wouldn't be standing at your counter gabbing if i really had somewhere to be.

~you will not do it perfectly. i have never met a perfect mother. my own mother, while i love her immensely, is not perfect. the only perfect person is Jesus. strive to be like him, and you still won't measure up, but that is ok. being like Jesus is better than not being like Him, and your children will thank you one day.

i love telling moms stories about their kids. sometimes the stories are funny, sometimes they aren't. but all of the time, they breath life. so have a messy house, talk my ear off, and be imperfect. grace makes it all ok.

important.

sometimes teaching is monotnous. you do the same thing, day after day, get frustrated with the same things...its like a vicious cycle. a lot of the time, i feel inadequate. my teaching skills are not up to par with most other teachers. i'm JUST a preschool teacher. it seems as if, to the rest of the working world, what i do, doesn't matter.

but it does.

there are days when i believe those lies. the ones that tell me "you're not doing enough" or "preschool isn't very serious." but then there are days that i don't believe those lies. there are days that are great. where my kids understand what i'm teaching them. where they leave class knowing how to say hello and goodbye in Chinese, when they leave giving each other hugs because they love each other, when parents tell me that their child came home talking about school. those are the days that the lies fade real quick.

i believe that what i do is very important. i am helping to mold a very impressionable mind to be in love with Christ, to love others, and to succeed in life. yes, i don't get to see the fruit of that labor initially, but i have to believe that what i do matters. i have to believe that God put me into this place in life for a reason.

i love my kids. i love my job. i'm so thankful for where God has me right now. i. am. blessed.