two B's.

two B's: Bible and Bethany Dillon

ever felt like you had the right to throw a tantrum? i did. last night actually. things around me were spinning out of control and i just wanted them to stop. so, although i was not actually kicking and screaming on the floor like a child, i chose to write out my feelings.

i chose to blog. i wrote until my little heart's content, published it. had my best friend (who was just engaged!) read it. then took it down.

after many shed tears, a headache, and "returning to the garden," i felt much better. i felt like, after 25 years of singleness, it was my right to throw a tantrum. valentine's day (until i have a guy to call mine) is such a dumb holiday to me. sure all about the love and who you love, but a lot of times, for singles like me, its just another day where we are acutely aware of our state of alone-ness. and i loathe it (if you couldn't tell).

last night i handed Satan my battered heart and all he did was wring it out like a dishtowel. i know my Savior and i know He loves me, but time and time again i hand my heart over to the wrong person. not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. i came to the fork in the road and said, "you know what God, i think Satan will have a better handle on this." now, i didn't intentionally say that to God, but my actions reflected it.

God has provided for me in the past, why can't i just trust Him with this provision? why can't i just surrender (my word for the year)? i may be broken and battered, but my Savior still loves me...even when i act like a child. not only that, but he put amazing women in my life to speak truth into my life, and i am so grateful.

i will leave this post with a song from Bethany Dillon. it really spoke to me this morning on the ride to work. my favorite line is when she says "you took my heart of stone, you made it whole, set this prisoner free, HALLELUJAH!"