the ugly cry.

i first heard her blog, read, as she had written it. it was a video for the (in)RL through (in)courage. her words pierced my heart and i instantly bust into the ugly cry. you know what kind i'm talking about...the one where all you can do is sob until you have no breath. its ugly. its real. its truth.

i have thought those words for the better half of my single life. i've asked all the same questions.

• why won't anyone pick me?
• am i doing something wrong?
• why did God give her a husband and not me?
• why will God answer all my other prayers, but not this one?

these are questions that i ask almost daily. i am not knocking single life. i do realize that other things would suffer as a result of me being in a relationship. i wouldn't have freedom to do the things i do now. i get it. and if i hear one more person tell me "Jesus is your boyfriend" not only will i scream, i will send a very generous eye roll your way.

i understand. i get that Jesus is there. not only do i get it, i believe it! i believe with all my heart, soul, and mind that He is there. in my sorrow, in my doubt...with me through it all. just because being single stinks...a lot of the time...doesn't mean i don't believe He's any less present.

God didn't call Christians to an easy life. this is not easy. this is tough. but, i'm learning. there is joy in singleness. there is grace in singleness. there is freedom in singleness. not because of being single, but because there is a God who is bigger than all of it. who sees me, who has been there, and who is there...always.